


stumbling from one disaster to another

by AndreaLyn



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: 12 Days of Malex 2019, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cyrano de Bergerac-ing, F/F, F/M, M/M, Parent Trapping Your Soulmate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:08:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21658798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndreaLyn/pseuds/AndreaLyn
Summary: When you lose something, it inevitably turns up in your soulmate’s home. It’s a handy trick, and it’s one that Alex intends to use to make Michael happy with Maria, because it doesn’t matter who Michael chose, so long as he’s happy.It turns out that forcing that happiness isn’t as easy as Alex wants to believe and the universewantsyou to be with the person you're meant to be with.
Relationships: Maria DeLuca/Isobel Evans, Maria DeLuca/Michael Guerin, Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 46
Kudos: 259
Collections: 12 Days Of Malex 2019





	stumbling from one disaster to another

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Idealuk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idealuk/gifts).



> For my Malex Secret Santa, I deliver unto you angst! Angst with a happy ending, and soulmates, and hopefully everything that you could have wanted. This prompt got away from me (as the word count can attest), but also because it was exactly the brand of angst that I love writing. 
> 
> I do hope you enjoy! Title is from Lost Together by Blue Rodeo.

It’s porn that teaches Alex all about soulmates and how they work. 

He’s thirteen years old and Kyle’s found them a filthily inappropriate DVD that they shouldn’t be watching, but they sneak into Jim Valenti’s cabin and commandeer the television while their fathers are out working. Kyle insists they need to watch it to understand how the world works and Alex, too wary of what will happen if he pushes, doesn’t argue. 

“You’re my soulmate, aren’t you?” the man on screen asks the buxom woman, and while the acting’s bad, Alex doesn’t think that’s why he’s having such a hard time connecting. At least, to her. There’s something about the woman that doesn’t appeal to Alex at all, despite the fact that’s _clearly_ meant to serve as a male fantasy. 

She’s heaving, breaths hot and heavy, and she bats her eyelashes as she asks, “Well, why do you think so?”

“Because I think I lost my virginity here at your house.”

Alex doesn’t get it.

He says as much, which he regrets instantly when Kyle suddenly turns on him. He looks at Alex like he’s a _complete_ idiot and instantly Alex flushes as he learns how little he’s been prepared for this part of the world. “When soulmates lose things, they turn up in the other person’s home,” he says, with a derisive scoff. 

It’s not the first time Kyle’s acted like this with Alex, but it stings as much as it always does. For years Kyle’s been his best friend, but now that they’re getting older and discovering that they don’t necessarily like the same things (or the same people), Kyle’s started to turn nasty.

The tips of Alex’s ears are red and his tongue feels twisted, tied, and funny, like he wouldn’t be able to find the words if he even tried.

“I don’t want to watch this anymore,” he announces bluntly, and storms out of the room before the humiliation can set in and make him react badly in front of Kyle. He locks himself in the bathroom and stares at himself in the mirror, telling himself not to cry because men don’t cry, and Manes men are stronger than that.

Stupid Kyle Valenti, ruining everything.

It doesn’t even cross his mind until much later that he ought to be paying more attention to the odd things that turn up in their home and that maybe that video had been some kind of education to him after all. With four boys, Alex always blames it on one of his brothers, but maybe he should be paying more attention. He knows it’s not the most conventional way for anyone to learn about how soulmates work, but it’s _an_ education.

Eventually, even his brothers don’t seem like the likely culprits, because the items start turning up in his bedroom. Why else would a book on physics, curl cream, and small packs of candy show up in his room, if not that he has a soulmate out there losing things? 

When he’s in high school, the incriminating and telling object turns up in his bedroom and lets Alex know exactly _who_ his soulmate is. One day, another lost item turns up. This time, it’s a binder with notes from AP chemistry inside, and a name. _Michael Guerin_. 

That discovery changes his life, but it also leaves him with a quandary of his own. 

What Alex struggles with is the idea of purposefully losing something so Michael will know he has a soulmate, too. With Jesse Manes’ demand for order and organization, Alex doesn’t lose items. They all have a specific place and that means that he doubts anything is turning up in that truck he’s sure Michael lives in.

He decides not to lose anything, instead focusing on the most incredible part of all of this. He has a soulmate; someone who’s handsome and smart and funny and stares at Alex like he’s never seen anyone like him before. He’s sweet and charming and Alex sees the way he helps out other students in his group with their homework, how he catches him tutoring other kids from the group home, and how he plays the guitar after school in the music room when he thinks no one is looking.

Alex is looking, though. 

And someday, he’s going to do something about Michael, because they’re _soulmates_. 

They’re destined, aren’t they?

* * *

Ten years later, Alex has learned that just because you’re someone’s soulmate doesn’t mean that you’re destined to be their happiness. He’s learned that in the most painful and difficult way, finding out that it doesn’t matter if the universe wants you to be together. Sometimes, there are people in your lives like Jesse Manes that make it so completely impossible to be together that your fates are buried in pain, under layers that you can’t hope to dig out from. 

Trust his father to ruin the one good thing in his life, to make Alex so anxious and ashamed and angry that he’d destroyed things with Michael because of his fear. 

Now Michael is moving on, or at least, Alex thinks he’s trying to, but even that doesn’t seem to be working the way it’s supposed to. 

“I’ll see you later?” 

“I guess. I’ll pick up some beer.”

Alex keeps his head down, trying to ignore the innocuous and casual by-play of Michael and Maria nearby. To anyone else, it would sound like a normal couple going about their business, but Alex isn’t anyone else. He can hear the stress in Michael’s voice when he asks if he’s going to see Maria later. He knows the tension in hers when she mentions the beer. Something’s not running on all cylinders, but it’s clear there’s still affection there and hope in the way they look at one another.

There’s more happiness in Michael now than there had been when he and Alex had kept trying to fit square pegs into round holes (and without the lube), which is why Alex has been thinking up a plan.

He’s in a booth in the back of the Wild Pony, putting the last touches on it. 

Through his adolescence and adulthood, Alex had maintained his father’s strict demand for order. He’s never lost anything other than the one large thing that had been taken from him (and fuck, but Alex is grateful that detached body parts aren’t something that will turn up at your soulmate’s front door). He’s also never outwardly told Michael that they’re soulmates.

It gives him something to work with. 

Michael’s happy with Maria. Maybe he’s not ecstatic or giddy, but there’s a comfort that he has with her that he deserves. If Alex can’t be with Michael, then he wants Michael to be happy and he’s pretty sure that his best shot is staring him in the face. The trouble is that whatever’s happening between Michael and Maria is tense and they need some kind of spark, some sort of help.

Alex has a plan for that.

He starts the next day after he sneaks into the Wild Pony and takes Maria’s baseball cap from behind the bar. It’s the one with her name scrawled on the inside in glitter, from when they’d been messing around with glitter pens in their teens. Then, inside it, he puts a small bundle of desert roses, along with a note that apologizes for not talking to her more and not opening up. He heads out to the desert and closes his eyes as he slides the window down and throws it out into the wilderness, effectively losing it and knowing that it will turn up in Michael’s home, poised for Maria to find. He knows he should feel guilty for it, but the guilt Alex feels has been building ever since he got back from Iraq. His plan might not be honest, but at least it will serve a purpose.

If Michael and Maria are going to be together and they can’t even be happy, then what’s the point of Alex’s broken heart?

The next night, he goes to the Pony to see if Maria’s found the gift in Michael’s trailer. 

He stays out of sight, because he’s still not ready to face Michael, but he spends the visit watching Michael at the bar, nursing his beer and looking morose and exhausted. Alex makes a mental note to leave something for him next, ostensibly from Maria. Maybe something to help him sleep, like lavender spray for his pillow, or maybe that hot chocolate brand he really likes. 

Alex is distracted from his thoughts by Maria’s happy cry when she enters the bar for her shift, practically running to Michael’s side to grab him by the cheeks as she leans in to kiss him. He ducks his head away so he doesn’t have to watch, but his smile is pained as he eavesdrops.

“Thank you for saying those things.”

“…uh…” Michael clearly isn’t sure what’s going on. “Okay?”

“I know you don’t like to talk about this in public, but it meant a lot to me.”

“You’re welcome?” Michael’s clearly confused, but Alex watches the resolution pass through him that even though he might not know what’s going on, he’s ready to take credit for it. Alex can’t bear to watch the way they whisper together, vaulting right past Michael’s confusion to make plans for the night, but Alex takes solace in the knowledge that he’s fixing this. 

He’s going to make it right, if only to assuage some of his guilt that he couldn’t make Michael happy. 

The next trip Alex makes out to the desert is one that he spends more time with. This time, the package is for Michael, and he takes the time to imitate Maria’s handwriting perfectly, using one of her letters as a sample. The writing may be Maria’s, but the words are all Alex’s. 

_Michael,_

_I know you’ve been exhausted lately and I’m sorry if things between us have been what’s keeping you up. I hope this helps you, and you should know that I’m always here for you if you need it._

_\- Maria_

He can’t bring himself to sign ‘ _loved_ ’ and he knows it’s the emotional block in his mind that’s keeping him from that, even though he’s trying to reconcile whatever tension is developing between his friends.

No, not his friends.

His soulmate and his best friend. Still, if this means that they can both be happy, then Alex will happily do this a thousand times over, because they deserve it. 

He drives out to a spot in the desert with a basket that holds lavender spray, chamomile tea, the tins of cinnamon hot chocolate, and the small plush bunny with the note. He waits until he’s in the middle of the desert as he slows down the truck to a crawl, opens the door, and closes his eyes as he drops it as gently as he can. He knows that he’s effectively losing it the moment he drives away, and that it will turn up in the Airstream a bit dustier for the trip, but in decent shape. 

The next day, he sees Michael at the Crashdown looking well-rested and _happy_ as he picks up his morning coffee. Alex stays in his booth where his back is to him, listening to Liz and Michael talk. 

“Things have been getting better with Maria,” Michael is saying. “She left me this really sweet note last night, and my favorite kind of hot chocolate, but I don’t remember telling her about that. Did you?”

“I must have, if she knew,” Liz admits. 

“It was great,” Michael insists. “First full night of sleep in weeks.”

He's happy, and that’s all that Alex could ever hope for. It doesn’t matter that he’s breaking his own heart in the process, so long as Michael stays happy. It’s what steels his resolve to keep going. He writes notes in Michael’s scattered writing and leaves them out for Maria – bouquets, bottles of liquor, necklaces. His gifts to Michael are so much more personal, but it feels oddly cathartic to write through Maria and give Michael all the things he wished he had before – at least, everything that he can give without betraying who the gifts are really coming from.

He leaves a new belt buckle out in the desert, thrown into a rock outcropping. He buys guitar picks and tucks them in an envelope before tossing them wildly into the wind. He writes love notes that he wishes he could have written for Michael with every gift, pouring his heart and soul into them and letting Michael know how he feels, in someone else’s hand. Having to write them in Maria’s handwriting means that he takes the time to consider every word, and Alex thinks that it makes them all the more powerful because of it. Each profession of love is more adoring, each devotion is fierce, and each word comes the deepest parts of Alex’s heart. 

In the process, Alex thinks that he falls a little more in love with Michael, and it aches every time he goes into the desert to lose another present or note, knowing that it doesn’t matter what he feels. Michael chose someone else, and if that’s who he wants, then Alex (as his soulmate) is going to give him a happy ending.

It's working, isn’t it? He knows that if he keeps this up, then Michael and Maria will have what Alex couldn’t manage to give Michael.

Maybe Alex won’t get to be with his soulmate, but he’ll be the reason that he’s happy and safe. After everything they’ve been through together, Alex has to think that it’s somewhat of a fitting punishment. He couldn’t keep Michael safe from his father or from the ensuing heartbreak, but he can keep him safe from that pain now by helping him be with someone else. 

It’s worth it for every smile he sees from Michael, every happy look he catches when Michael stares down at the notes that Alex had forged, and the way Michael’s looked more at peace than he has in years. 

Maybe Michael’s been right all along – maybe love hurts and it’s suffering, but it can’t be all bad. That ache in his chest is beginning to alleviate, because as much as it hurts to be apart from Michael, he’s relieved that he’s _happy_ again.

Alex would go through a dozen explosions for that. 

He slips out of the Wild Pony after another night of making sure that his gifts are resonating properly, and makes a plan for what he’s planning to drop off tomorrow. This only works if he keeps working, which means Alex needs to keep it going. He doesn’t stop to think about how he might have to keep doing this for years and Alex doesn’t let himself consider the idea that if he has to do this at all, then maybe that’s a sign.

He can’t let it end like that. He can’t let Michael walk away from him, let himself have a broken heart, and have _everyone_ miserable at the end of this. It’s why he has to keep doing this.

No matter how long for, no matter how often, he has to. 

Or else, what will it have all been for?

* * *

It's Friday night and Maria’s on her way to the Airstream for another date with Michael.

She can’t help feeling excited and eager in ways she hasn’t since they first slept together. That spark in Texas had seemed to be dwindling down for a while, but lately it’s renewed itself in ways that has her feeling like a girl in love, maybe for the first time in a very long while. 

“I brought beer,” Maria says as she enters the Airstream to find Michael sitting with a cozy looking woman’s sweater in his hands. Her face lights up to see it, because it’s yet another little gift from Michael that’s been waiting for her when she comes to spend the night with him at the Airstream. Like the other gifts, it makes her heart beat faster in her chest. It’s excitement, she knows, but as she gets closer, Maria starts to feel something else alongside that emotion.

It’s something she doesn’t want to acknowledge, because it would mean giving a voice to all the doubts and fears she’s buried so that she could feel alive and in love and happy. Staring at that sweater isn’t going to let her do that, though, not when it brings with it an inevitable grief. That’s not just any sweater. It’s not something he’d ducked out to the store to buy for her. It’s not even something that he’d borrowed from someone in town.

Because, Maria knows, that there’s no way Michael could have found _that_ particular sweater to gift back to her.

She loaned it to Alex when they’d been stuck out in the rain after a local concert, in those first few months when he came back from training, wearing a completely inappropriate t-shirt. She knows that sweater, but it hasn’t been hers in years. There’s only one person who could have given that to Michael and he hasn’t been here in ages, as far as she knows.

Maria’s face falls as pieces begin to click into place – how Michael had never given her any gifts prior to things starting to go awry, how they always turned up in his Airstream and _only_ there, how Michael had always seemed confused when she’d thank him for the gifts.

The puzzle clicks together and it breaks Maria’s heart in so many ways.

She’s not a girl in love after all. She’s just someone with a friend who loves his people too much for his own good and who’d put his own happiness at risk so she could have some of it.

“That idiot,” she says mournfully, sinking onto the couch and prying the sweater from Michael’s hands so she can grab it tight to her chest. When she inhales deeply, she lets out a ragged laugh. He hasn’t even washed it. “What the hell was Alex thinking?”

It still smells like him, which must be why Michael looks so dazed and stunned.

The other gifts begin to make more sense. Michael’s never been the romantic type and it had been a point of contention for them in the early days of their relationship. They’d bickered so often because things between them were _comfortable_ , but never the stuff of epic romances. 

It had started to seem like maybe things would get better when the gifts had turned up, because they’d started to talk more and open up. Michael had told her about his childhood while he brewed up the hot chocolate, she’d confessed all her worries about her mother’s disease being genetic, and they’d become _more_ of a couple.

It hurts, now, realizing that someone had been holding their hands the whole time and guiding them towards one another.

Maria thinks it’s even worse because she knows Alex hasn’t been sneaking into the Airstream, so old suspicions that she’s been keeping quietly to herself are now being confirmed.

“Did you know?” Maria asks Michael, wrapping her arms around the sweater to hug it tightly. “That it was Alex, did you know it was him leaving the gifts?”

Michael shakes his head numbly. He looks stunned by the discovery himself, and Maria has to wonder if Alex had left this one on purpose or if he’d genuinely forgotten about where the sweater had come from. It’s her favorite band, so on the surface, it’s a sweet gift if you don’t know the story behind it.

It’s one that she’ll never forget, though. 

They’d laughed in the cold rain as they ran to find shelter, where they had waited out the rain while talking about their futures and what they wanted. The next day, Alex had begged off from their plans, saying he had somewhere else to be. She’d let him get away with his secrets, but now she wonders if Alex had been in Michael’s Airstream instead after they’d spent the whole night talking about finding the person you’re meant to be with.

“He’s your soulmate, isn’t he?” Maria asks so quietly that maybe she doesn’t want Michael to have heard her. 

It's not a question that needs an answer.

Michael’s door is always locked and someone is here often enough that they would see him sneaking in to leave the gifts. The only way that they could be turning up in Michael’s home is if Alex happens to be his soulmate, purposefully losing the gifts just so they’ll get them. Maria closes her eyes tightly when a fresh wave of grief hits her.

“Why did you let me think we could have something?” she demands, her voice breaking as she feels the tears building up.

Michael doesn’t answer and it only makes her more furious. She can tell that he’s in a state of shock, but she’s already moved on to anger and she wants to yell and shout. Even before, when they were starting to realize what kind of a couple they were, it felt like their edges were always rubbing against one another’s, never fitting right. At least, not until the gifts.

“Don’t you have anything to say?” she pleads, and there’s a thread of desperation in her voice.

Michael looks up at her, a pained look in his eyes. “I wanted it to work,” he says quietly. “I wanted to be _happy_.” He says it with such a little boy’s need that Maria’s heart breaks and she can’t be mad at him for it. “I thought when we started leaving each other those little things that we were getting there, but it wasn’t us. It was Alex, trying to give us this.” He flexes his fingers, like he’s missing the sweater in his fingers and he needs something to hold. “He couldn’t leave it alone. He couldn’t even let me try to have this without interfering…” Michael doesn’t sound like he even knows what emotion to be feeling and Maria understands why.

She’s mad at Alex too, but his heart’s in the right place. The problem is that he’d meddled in something that should have ended on its own, and now she has to come to grips with the fact that her understanding of Michael and their relationship isn’t accurate anymore. 

“I need to go,” she says, because she needs some time to think about this. “I think we both know that this is over, but in case you need to hear it, it is. You have a soulmate, one who’s trying desperately to make you happy.” To the point that Alex is breaking his own heart to do it. “Whatever I might want, whatever we had for a little while, it’s over.”

Maria might have overlooked Alex’s love in her haste to have something for herself, but she can’t do it. Not like this, not anymore. 

Michael looks at her and it makes her heart squeeze tight in his chest.

“You should talk to Alex,” Maria says, collecting the few things she sees in the vicinity that she wants to bring with her. “He clearly still loves you a _lot_ to do this much for you.” She knows that she needs to talk to Alex, too, give him a piece of her mind for tricking her into a steadier relationship with Michael. Even now, she can’t have something of her own, not without someone interfering.

She would have preferred that their relationship failed terribly, because then she would’ve known from the start. Instead, she feels like she’s wasted weeks on a relationship that isn’t even real. Instead, she’s been living as Alex’s proxy, whether he’d known it or not. Maria lingers at the door with her things, pulling on the sweater that Alex had left for her. 

“It wasn’t all terrible, Guerin,” she admits, her walls slamming back up with the use of his last name. He hasn’t looked up at her, still staring at his hands in his lap like he’s been confronted with a problem he finally can’t solve. “It just wasn’t us. I’m not the kind of girl who wants a middleman in her relationship.” 

At least she thinks she’ll get to keep his friendship out of this, knowing now that the best part of the relationship had been when they’d sat down and talked like friends and not a dating couple. If nothing else, it makes it better knowing that she’s not going to be losing everything in the wake of this disaster.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” she says, unwilling to lose that. 

He nods numbly, but when he has nothing to say, it gives Maria the chance she needs to escape. She’s managed to hold it together until now, but as soon as she closes the door to the Airstream behind her, the grief hits her like a tsunami wave. It barrels into her and before she knows it, tears are streaming down her face. She makes it into her truck, but she can’t drive off yet. Instead, she sits there in Sanders’ Junkyard for a long while, gripping the steering wheel and feeling an absurd amount of loss for something that had never been real. 

She goes home and cries into her pillow. Michael doesn’t text or call, and it hurts more because she really thought that they’d turned a corner and at least were friends. Maybe they just need space, or maybe they both have to deal with the man who’d been trying to push them towards one another, no matter how badly their pieces fit before they can even come back to one another as friends and nothing more.

It’s not long before Maria gets her chance to confront their would-be matchmaker. 

Maria finds Alex in the Wild Pony the next night. He’s been visiting a lot, sitting in the back corner. He only ever buys a single beer and nurses it while people-watching, which she now realizes is because he’s been keeping an eye on his plan. It’s too bad that all his hard work had been for nothing.

She knows she’s in rough shape, because she’s been crying off and on to the point that she doesn’t trust herself not to tip into another breakdown. She didn’t bother with the eyeliner and mascara as a result, not wanting to wipe it away when another burst of grief hits her.

Alex isn’t paying attention, so he jumps when Maria drops the sweater on the table in front of him. “The jig’s up.”

“What? Maria, I don’t – what are you talking about, I…”

She knows he’s a better liar than this, which means he really must be in a state of distress about the whole thing. Then again, she’s not sure that she can blame him. Maria’s never really spent much time thinking about whether she has a soulmate or not, but the very thought of putting yourself through the pain of hooking your soulmate up with someone else seems like torture. 

“I gave this to you when we were eighteen and you came back after basic,” she reminds him. “This isn’t a gift that Michael would’ve found for me. It’s not even something he could have talked you into giving him. Alex, how many of the gifts came from you?”

Alex lets his fingers creep forward to rest over the sweater, tugging it towards him. He doesn’t say anything, but his silence says everything.

“They were all from you, weren’t they? What were you trying to do?” she demands.

“I was trying to make him happy! I was trying to give you some happiness,” Alex blurts out, and he sounds wrecked. Maria knows how he feels, because since she and Michael called it quits last night, she’s felt completely unmoored. “I ruined things between Michael and me. His hand, my need to fight my father’s battles, then my own, my shame, my grief, I ruined it,” he admits. “And I thought that if I couldn’t make my soulmate happy, because it’s clear I can’t, then I wanted someone else to. And you deserve someone like Michael,” Alex says, his voice empty and numb. “Someone who’s sweet and funny and caring and so hot that you’d fuck him in the back of any truck,” he laughs roughly. “I wanted you both to be happy.”

“You’re his _soulmate_ ,” Maria accuses. “Did you really think he’d ever be happy with anyone but you?”

Alex’s face falls and Maria doesn’t want to rub salt into the wound, but she knows she has to. Alex needs to understand that playing with that bond was never going to end well. She wipes at her cheeks, realizing that she’s crying again.

“We broke up.” 

Alex shakes his head, like he doesn’t want to hear it. “Maria, no, you have to give him another chance…”

“Alex,” Maria cuts him off before he can keep pleading. “It’s over. You can’t manipulate people into being in love,” she tells him. “People don’t like being sloppy seconds. I know I don’t,” she says curtly. 

“No,” Alex says stubbornly, like he’s ready to fight for _this_. “No, Maria, you can’t do this to him. He needs someone, you need someone, you’re good for each other, you’re _happy_. He picked you over me, so I need him to be happy!”

Why is it that he wants to fight for her relationship with Michael instead of his own? Why does it make her feel like an even more terrible friend? She already knows the answer to that last part, and she knows that it’s not fair, but she can’t _look_ at him right now. 

“Please go,” she says quietly. Alex looks betrayed, but he doesn’t put up a fight as he leaves the bar, looking like he’s had his heart dashed to shreds. At least he understands how she’s feeling right now.

Soon, she thinks she’ll be able to look at Alex again, but right now it hurts too much. Alex is a walking and talking reminder of why she and Michael have broken up and it’s far too soon to have to be confronted with that, even though she knows they’d made the right decision. Maybe after a bottle of tequila, some pot and a few bad romantic comedies, she’ll be ready, but right now, she needs a little time to let go of the wonderful relationship she’d thought she had, only to realize that she’d been living as a proxy for Alex and nothing more.

* * *

When Alex returns to the cabin, he’s already feeling shitty.

He sees Michael’s truck parked haphazardly in the driveway and he knows that his mood is only bound to get worse. It had been hell talking to Maria and watching the immediate aftermath of her realization that every sweet gesture of the last few weeks hadn’t been Michael at all, but Alex acting through a bond that elevated him above her. 

He could sit in his truck and wait it out, maybe?

He could sulk and sit here, keep his head down and stay out of sight. Maybe Michael will even leave. Alex has a terrible feeling that it won’t work like that, though. For one, he has no idea how long Michael’s already been here, and there’s plenty of food inside the cabin. For all Alex knows, Michael’s setting up for the long haul. He’s going to have to face the music sometime, having already done it with Maria. With her, it feels like maybe he’ll be able to be her friend someday, when the hurt has faded (and maybe with enough alcohol).

He's not so sure that he’ll get the same chance with Michael. 

When he steps inside the cabin, he sees the kitchen table laden down with every last gift that he’d dropped in the desert. Michael’s standing behind the table, leaning against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed over his chest. Seeing them like this, collected in one place, makes him realize just how much he’d done. He must have been desperate to try and do so much, but one look at Michael and Alex thinks that he’d have left enough presents to fill the whole cabin, if that had been what it took to make him happy.

“Guerin, I…”

He trails off, because he’s actually not sure what it is he needs to say. He’s got excuses galore, but given his conversation with Maria, he’s not so sure what he can say that’ll actually do any good. 

Maybe he should rely on the truth.

“I wanted you to be happy,” he says quietly.

“So you lied. You pretended. You used our _soulmate bond_ to make Maria and I think we had a happy, healthy relationship. You used a bond that I only really realized we had when you did this and instead of trying to win me back, you tried to push me further away!” Michael accuses, stepping forward. It’s clear he’s feeling heated, but the best thing that Alex can do is let him shout it out, even if he feels an itch beneath his skin that says he won’t be able to stand there and take it. “Why?”

“Because you chose her!” Alex shouts, feeling wild and hollow. “You chose her, and you’re my soulmate, so I just want you to be happy, Guerin. I want you to have what makes you happy and you made it clear that it was her. Only then I saw the two of you bickering and fighting all the time, and I could tell that things were going bad, so I fixed it,” he says, reclaiming his control.

He knows that it had been the right thing to do.

“So, what?” Michael retorts. “Now you’re done walking away, but instead you’d rather parent trap my relationship by tricking me into getting together with one of your best friends? You do see how fucked up that is, right? You spent all this time and energy and money on these things,” he says, gesturing to the table. “You did all that, but you didn’t think for one second that maybe it would’ve worked better if those notes were signed from you and not Maria?”

“You chose her,” Alex says again, and he knows how small and hurt he sounds, but he can’t help that it’s what he feels, deep down. 

“Since when have you ever been stupid, Alex?” Michael asks, staring at him like he genuinely can’t understand what Alex is saying. “You know as much as I do that people who choose anyone other than their soulmates, those things never last.” He swallows roughly. “I wanted something that didn’t hurt, but as it was coming to an end, you rekindled it, and I think maybe it hurt more because you did. It was going to be over, Alex! You should have let it be over.”

Alex can feel his heart splintering, knowing it shows on his face the way it had at Caulfield.

“Even if I had to do it for the rest of my life, I would have, if it meant you could be happy,” he says, even if it’d meant that Alex would be miserable. “I love you, Guerin. You’re my family, and I don’t look away.”

“You got a real funny way of showing that to me right now,” Michael gets out, his brow furrowed with pain. “Why didn’t you leave me alone, Alex? Why didn’t you let it run its course? You had to interfere, had to make it all hurt more. And the notes…were you making them up? Every word that you wrote in Maria’s handwriting, did you mean them?”

Alex doesn’t trust his voice, so instead, he nods.

Michael closes his eyes tightly, like that’s a new blow to process. Alex gets it. He’d poured his heart and soul into those notes and had hoped that Michael would read them as coming from Maria to help create a strong foundation. Instead, he’d put his heart out there in a way he never has before and for what? Now Maria’s upset with him and Michael’s pissed and Alex has to go back to feeling guilty for hurting Michael; not just before, but now. 

“I don’t wanna see you for a while, Alex,” Michael says quietly, when he finally opens his eyes. “I need to get this right in my head, this _mess_ you’ve made of my heart again. I thought I was ready to let you go, I thought I could find some peace, but every time I think it’s over, you open up the door and I just want back in and…”

“Guerin…” Alex pleads.

“I need some time,” Michael cuts him off. “Please, Alex?”

Alex thought that his heart broke the day his father crushed Michael’s hand. Maybe the day he’d left Michael behind, that’s when it splintered -- or maybe when he’d found out that Michael and Maria were giving it a go.

It turns out he’s wrong and it’s none of those moments.

His heart breaks right then, right there, right now into a million pieces that won’t ever want to be together again.

“Time,” he agrees numbly, even if it’s the last thing he wants to give. “Okay.”

He watches his soulmate leave the cabin without any of the presents that Alex left for him. Rifling through the stack, he notices that all of the handwritten notes aren’t there, which means _something_ , but Alex doesn’t allow himself to hope for anything. Right now, he’s made a huge mistake by pretending that he could manipulate his best friend and soulmate into a relationship and he’s going to need to offer his apology.

How?

Fuck, he has no idea, but he’d better figure it out. He’s not sure he could stand if this grief were permanent.

* * *

It’s clear that Alex needs to do something. 

What he _wants_ to do is go to the Pony and drink until he can’t see straight, but knows that’s a terrible idea and the idea of getting wasted in a tourist bar is a little too pathetic, even for him. Instead, he ends up at the liquor store in town, staring morosely at the six-pack in his cart when he hears a familiar voice.

“You can’t be having that much of a party if you didn’t invite me.”

Stunned, Alex glances up to see Jenna Cameron standing there with two bottles of whiskey (one tucked under each arm). He hadn’t even realized that she’s back in town, but there she is, larger than life. Part of him wonders if she’s come to see Jesse Manes in a coma with her own two eyes, or maybe she’s decided it’s safe enough to be back.

(Or maybe she’s been staying away because Roswell without Max is a strange place for some people and she’s only back because she has nowhere else to go)

“If your afternoon is free…” he lets his voice drift off, an invitation he puts out half-heartedly, so unused to what amounts to appropriate social cues these days.

It’s only when Jenna puts the whiskey in the crook of Alex’s arm that he feels relief that she’s come back. Maybe it’s sad that his social life has shrunk down to Kyle because of his ill-thought up ideas, but reuniting with the third part of their secret clubhouse is actually exactly what he needs right now.

Besides, Jenna is just removed enough that he feels like he can ramble drunkenly about his problems. She’s not allied with Michael or Maria, she doesn’t even know Alex well enough to get angry at him (which he’s glad for, because right now Alex can’t bear the idea of one more person that’s mad at him).

“Lead on,” she says. “One rule. No secret bunkers.”

“I mean…” Alex gives her the shrug of a man who can’t make that promise, seeing as he’s living on top of one out at the cabin. 

He only barely hears her, “I hate this town,” but he catches it. 

The more time that goes on and the more Alex thinks about the mess he’s in with Michael and Maria, the more he’s inclined to agree these days. 

She takes her own truck back to the cabin, which either means he’s going to have a house guest tonight or Jenna’s not planning to get as drunk as it appears. Given the glass she pours herself as soon as she gets in, Alex is counting on the former. It’s fine, though. It’s not like he cares whether Jenna bunks up with him or not. Maybe it’ll even be good for him to have the company. 

For a while, they drink and they talk about non-Roswell topics.

Jenna shares updates about how thinks are going in Charlie’s case. Without Jesse around to put pressure on the authorities to crack down, Jenna’s been having more luck getting her trial brought forward with some sympathetic ears on the case. 

“I could help, you know,” Alex mumbles, having switched from beer to whiskey. It means that he's quickly becoming a font of good ideas – or maybe just a lot of ideas that sound good while he's drunk and that will become not so amazing when he sobers up. “I could get into the records, put a few notes on the parole file to give her what she needs.”

Jenna gives a snort, shaking her head. “You don’t owe me that, you know.”

“Maybe not, but I need a favor in return,” Alex admits. It feels a whole lot better to be asking when he’s offering; hell, it even feels like a great idea. The trouble is that he’d come up with his last genius idea when he’d been drunk and look how well that one’s turned out. 

If he’s lucky, maybe this one won’t blow up in his face. 

Jenna eyes him warily. “Does it have to do with why Guerin and DeLuca are giving you the cold shoulder, while also looking like they could star in a documentary about the miserable?”

Alex, feeling that same shade of miserable, nods. 

“Lay it on me. And,” she says, before he can, “yes. To you, helping with my sister. I’ll do whatever it is you need me to do, but you do that for me.”

“Done.”

That brings Alex to his brilliant idea for forgiveness. He has to bring Jenna down into the bunker for it, though.

“Okay, well now I just feel left out of the secret bunker club,” Jenna complains, eyeing the place with the exact amount of wariness that any normal person should have. It makes Alex like her even more. “So, you gonna tell me what happened between you and Guerin? Last I heard, Kyle was trying to make you two kiss and make up.” 

“Trust me, kissing and making up is definitely not on the agenda,” Alex says quietly. “I have to make amends and make my peace with knowing it might only ever be that.” He uses his crutch to help get over to the workstation he’s made for himself, grabbing at the object lying on top of the desk. For a while, all he does is stare at it, figuring out the best way to explain this to Jenna. “I tried to be something for each of them that I couldn’t be, and now I need to give them a chance to move on.”

Alex doesn’t mean romantically, because he’s tried that tack and it had gone over so badly that it feels like his chest has been carved open to remove his heart. He flexes his fingers over the glistening piece of a spaceship and holds it out to her, even if it feels strange to give this up. It’s almost like he’s willingly giving up a piece of himself.

“This goes to Michael,” he says evenly as he puts it back into the backpack that it’s made a home of. “He’ll know what it is.”

Jenna reaches out to take the backpack while a feeling of possessive need floods Alex, like the piece itself is sentient and doesn’t want to be parted from him. It’s like it’s made a home of itself in Alex, even though he knows it’s not his and it’s never belonged to him. 

“What do you want me to tell him?”

“Only that it came from me,” Alex insists. He needs Michael to receive it and understand that Alex didn’t _lose_ it, he actively gave it up. There’s a big difference, as far as he’s concerned. “And this one,” he says, reaching back for a sheath of papers in a folder, “this one goes to Maria.”

It’s research he’s been accumulating on conditions that humans have developed as a result of proximity with aliens with certain powers. It also goes into a way to solve those issues, provided you know an alien or two.

Lucky for them, they do. 

Alex hadn’t wanted to hand it over to Maria until he was completely sure. Right now, it’s probably as completed as it’ll ever be, but he needs to offer Maria some kind of olive branch. What better way than giving her an avenue of hope when it comes to her mother?

Jenna’s not looking entirely sure about this plan, but Alex doesn’t need her to be sure. He only needs her to do as he’s asked. It’ll give Michael a chance to go home and it will let Maria have her mother back, and a family that Alex isn’t a part of. 

“You’re sure about this?” she asks him, that uncertainty bleeding into the question.

“Fuck, no,” Alex scoffs. He’d been sure about his original plan to try and keep Michael and Maria happy and together. He’s not sure about the part where he’s trying to apologize by cutting them even more out of his life, but it’s the only apology he’s _got_ , so it has to work.

Luckily, Jenna takes both items in hand. “Then I have the best solution.”

It turns out that her solution is _more alcohol_ , but she makes sure that the items are safely put with her things before things can get too rowdy. Between the two of them, the six-pack of beer and the whiskey don’t stand a chance.

The next morning, Alex’s hangover tells him that he might have tried to drown his woes, but they’re vengefully broaching the surface to come back and remind him that he can’t get away so easily. By the time he’s ready to attempt functioning as a human being and venturing out of the bedroom, Jenna’s gone from the couch. She’s folded the blanket neatly and all her things are gone – including Alex’s backpack and the folder he’d sent with her.

Not for the first time recently, Alex feels lonely and bereft.

He’s without hope, without friends, without family, and now, he doesn’t even have the one thing that’s keeping Michael from leaving completely. It’s a desperate act to try and apologize, giving Michael the means to escape forever, but Alex has to hope that it sends a message that he’d only been doing things to try and make it better for Michael – even if it means he ends up losing him permanently. 

The road to hell is paved with good intentions and at this rate, Alex is careening down towards the pit.

* * *

Alex comes home from another research shift at the bunker feeling completely gutted. His heart aches like it’s been through a fight, but he knows that no matter how badly he feels, he’s done the right thing. Thanks to Jenna’s help, he’s given Michael a chance to go home and he’s found research for Maria that might help get Mimi’s memories back with the right alien’s powers. They can move on with their lives, even if it’s not with each other, and maybe Alex doing this deliberately and without deceit will mean something.

Maybe.

Jenna had sent a text letting him know that she’s delivered both items. She doesn’t tell him what their reactions were, which he suspects had been done purposefully. Alex doesn’t have the heart to ask.

Given that neither of them have called him, Alex figures that Michael and Maria are both still pissed at him for trying to manipulate things to give them a happy ending, but it hurts so much to know that he couldn’t even do that right. Now they’re all three of them miserable, but Alex is the one who’d poured his heart out all over the desert to try and make Michael happy.

Michael’s not even happy after all of this, that’s the worst part. 

It's why Alex has a bag out on the couch, half-full with his clothes. He hasn’t been able to do much more than drop a few shirts and pants in, because as much as leaving town seems like the right idea, it feels too much like running away and he’d vowed not to do that again after Caulfield. He keeps glumly staring at the bag, wiping away the tears on his cheeks as he adds new items. 

It’s not running away if the one person you want to be around doesn’t want to see you.

He heads to the bedroom to grab some clothes and stops in his tracks.

There’s an alien spaceship console in his bedroom. It hasn’t got the gaps in it and while the pieces have knit together, Alex swears he can make out the place where his piece has been added. The last time he’d seen this in Michael’s bunker, it hadn’t been completed, but Alex is staring at a fully finished console.

“What the fuck?” he whispers under his breath, not sure how the hell this even _got_ here. He turns around to go back to the other room so he can get his phone and ask Michael what the hell happened that he could lose something so big.

Only, when he returns to the living room, Michael is there.

“I…” Alex stammers, glancing out the window. There’s no truck and Alex had just been in that room, so unless Michael’s been hiding in the basement, there’s no way that he could be here so quickly. “How…? _What_?” he demands, stunned and unable to understand it.

“I closed my eyes,” Michael says quietly, staring unflinchingly at Alex as he speaks, “and I thought about how lost I’ve been feeling lately without my rudder. Next thing I knew, I was here. Honestly, I didn’t realize that soulmate bullshit worked on people, but…”

Alex is staring at Michael, feeling like he’s in the middle of a dream. There’s no way that he’s actually here. In fact, he’s so in disbelief about Michael being there that Alex wanders forward and physically pokes Michael in the shoulder, watching as he shifts back, and then gives Alex a shrug, like he’s sorry for the fact that he’s not an apparition.

Why _is_ he there?

“You got the piece of the ship, then?”

“Yeah. I mean, I still would’ve preferred it coming from you, but I’m glad you didn’t lose it somewhere so it’d get to me.” Michael’s not looking at Alex as he talks, because his eyes are on the half-packed bag that’s sitting out. “Going somewhere?” His voice is laced with bitterness and hurt, which Alex understands.

How many times has Alex run away from him? This isn’t supposed to be running away, because Michael had stopped looking. He’s not supposed to see this. 

“Maybe,” he allows, because with Michael standing here in his cabin, admitting that he’s lost, he’s not so sure of what he’s doing anymore. “What do you mean, you’re lost without your rudder?”

“Jenna gave me that piece and I figured, great. I’ll finish my ship and see if I can’t get off this stupid planet. So I finish the console, sit there with my schematics and plans and the pod, and all I thought about were those notes you wrote me. I read them, then I drank a lot, then read them again.”

Michael’s stepping closer and Alex forces himself to plant his feet and stay unmoving.

“I’ve always suspected that you were my soulmate, but I think it took reading those letters to realize just how much you _love_ me,” Michael says. His voice is quiet, almost a whisper, but it’s like he's shouting at Alex. “Why couldn’t you have told me those things to my face?”

“I tried,” Alex gets out past gritted teeth. “You were hurting too much to listen to me, so I tried something else. I tried to make you happy.”

“I know,” Michael admits, staring down at his feet. His curls fall over his forehead, a sad flop that mimics his mood, and when he looks back up at Alex, his eyes are big and sad. Now, more than ever, he looks like an abandoned puppy that you want to take home with you and take care of. “I’m sorry.”

The fact that Michael is apologizing at all is _huge_. That he’s apologizing for this is even bigger.

“So, what?” Alex is lost. If he’s not careful, he’s going to end up at Michael’s Airstream and they’ll keep going back and forth. “What are you saying? What do you want, Guerin?”

“I want you to tell me you meant what you wrote in those letters. That you love me, that you’re always here for me, that you know every last thing about me, even though we don’t talk enough.” Michael’s spitting out all these things without breathing and it makes him sound panicked. “Tell me you love me.”

“I’ve written it a thousand times. I’ve thought it more.”

“Then say it again. Tell me one more time,” Michael pleads.

Alex can feel his heart pounding and he feels _hopeful_ in a dangerous way. Michael’s been inching closer to him, closing the distance between them, and it feels like Alex is on the precipice of crying out of relief or sadness or _something_. “I love you, Michael Guerin,” he says, and there’s nothing in him that doubts that. “I’d be lost without you,” he confesses, blurting it out before he can stop himself. “You’re my _soulmate_ and I just wanted you to be happy.”

“But you weren’t happy,” Michael says, shaking his head. 

Somehow, he’s gotten close enough to cup Alex’s neck with his palm, the other holding his hip. He’s practically cradling Alex in those gentle touches and Alex sinks forward. 

“No,” he admits, and all that hope is surging. “I’ve only been happy when I’m with you. You make me feel hopeful and at home, you make me feel _found_. I’m sorry,” he says hurriedly. “I’m sorry I kept the spaceship piece from you, I’m sorry I pushed you to Maria, I’m sorry I never said any of this…”

He’d keep apologizing, but Michael cuts him off with a desperate kiss that knocks Alex back a few steps. It’s familiar, reminiscent of the reunion, but it means so much more this time. Alex lets out a needy whimper as he tangles his fingers into Michael’s curls to hold him tightly. 

Michael might have thought himself lost to get here, but now that he’s here, Alex isn’t going to let him go. When they both need to breathe, they’re pressed together, forehead to forehead.

“I love you too,” Michael mumbles, words meant for Alex. “Tell me you’re ready for us and…”

Alex doesn’t need a single second to think about it.

“I’m ready.”

He sees the smile on Michael’s face as he drifts in and finds his way to the spot he belongs (here in Alex’s arms). “In that case, let’s go unpack your stuff and then you can tell me how much you spent on trying to make me happy so I can start making things even in kisses.”

Alex feels dazed and unbelievably giddy as he lets Michael tug him towards the bedroom.

Maybe destiny is a whole lot stronger than he ever gave it credit for.

* * *

Maria’s lost _another_ pair of earrings. 

It’s her favorite pair from her mother and she’s sure that they’ve fallen behind a dresser or something, but when she goes to put them on before her shift, she can’t find them. It leaves her irritable and annoyed, because she’d had her whole outfit planned. She’s completely not in the mood, then, for Isobel Evans walking into the Pony, a satchel tucked under her arm.

“I didn’t start carrying Cosmopolitans,” Maria sasses. 

Isobel sets the small satchel on the bar and climbs onto a barstool, which means that Maria’s going to have to try a lot harder to get her gone. Maybe at some point, she’ll have to admit that pushing at Isobel is less wanting her gone and more wanting the fight because it makes her feel alive and excited (and something else she’s never wanted to name, because giving it a name means giving it power and life).

She’s not sure she’s ready to face that _thing_ today.

“I heard you broke up with Michael,” Isobel says. 

Maria narrows her eyes. She’s absolutely not naming that twisting hopeful thing inside her if Isobel is intent on poking at open wounds. “Did you want to start a club?” she replies sardonically. “Or is this just because Noah’s gone, you want someone to commiserate with?”

“Actually,” Isobel says, and unfolders her satchel. It’s velvet and once Isobel gets it open, Maria sees that it’s laden with jewelry. Necklaces, costume rings, and earrings, each piece looking more familiar than the last.

In fact, her gaze jumps straight to the pair she’d been looking for today. There’s only one reason why Maria’s jewelry would be turning up in a place that Isobel would find, though she’s not sure if she’s ready to accept this. There’s a part of her mind she’s blocked off for years, a lingering question about _soulmates_ , because she’s had jeans and sweaters and pens show up in her apartment for years, but never anything definitive.

At least, not like this.

“When did you know?” Maria asks, her voice barely louder than a whisper as she traces her hand over the earrings.

“Few years into my marriage with Noah,” Isobel replies. “I thought I could be the stubborn outlier who proved that you got to pick your soulmate instead of letting the universe tell you what you’re supposed to do. From what I hear from town gossip, that didn’t work out so well in your last relationship.”

Maria’s stung to have it thrown in her face, but she occupies herself with putting her earrings in. 

Isobel Evans, her soulmate. 

That’s going to take a lot of getting used to. 

Yet, when Michael and Alex show up at the Pony later that night and look _happy_ and relaxed in a way she’s never seen them, she feels something blossoming in her chest that feels a little like hope. It took them ten years to get their shit together, maybe she can take a little time to figure out what it is that Isobel could mean to her.

She touches her earrings proudly, because even if she hasn’t got her romantic life figured out, at least she’s got these back. “Evans,” she calls over the bar, getting her attention. “You should come by my place this weekend.”

“I should?” Isobel replies curiously. Maria can tell she’s got Alex and Michael’s attention, not to mention half the bar.

In for a penny, she decides to haul the rest over for a pound.

“Your shitty magazines have been in my place for years,” she announces loudly. “I think it’s time you came and claimed your lost property.”

Isobel’s smile is a slow thing, but filled with the devious hint of a plan that she’s seen before (usually on Michael’s face, so maybe she learned it from him or vice-versa). “How about Saturday?” she suggests. “I’ll bring the white wine.”

“No, you won’t,” Maria retorts, turning her back so Isobel can’t see the way her lips are curving up with excitement. “I’ll lose a bottle of whiskey between now and then. At least that way I’m guaranteed a decent drink at your place.”

“It’s a date.”

It might be a little fresh after her breakup (maybe too soon), but Maria’s finally confronting the pink elephant in the room and acknowledging what she’s been trying to ignore for years: It’s time for Michael and Alex to have a chance, but it’s also time for her to finally acknowledge her soulmate and give that a shot.

Instead of lingering on that thought, Maria gets to work.

She’s got a bottle of whiskey to lose, and maybe some other items, if Saturday’s going to be any good. Smirking with the hope of what’s to come, Maria feels better than she has in _weeks_.

Maybe the universe is looking out for her after all.


End file.
